A world wide web of LIES

Sunday night I dislocated my left elbow. It’s like this (and like that):

1. The door to my apartment is on the parking lot side
2. Idiots are always parking too close to the door
3. making us 2nd floor fools have to squeeze through and then go off the side of the steps.

As I was taking down two bags of trash, I saw that I’d have to maneuver around an idiot parking job again, attempted to do this, and failed. My ankle slipped, I spun around, and fell off the side of the steps, flat on my ass. Luckily the trash bags broke my fall. Luckily, my right shoulder didn’t dislocate (which has happened a million times, sometimes completely unprovoked). UNluckily, my left arm went crazy. I thought I broke it at first, but it didn’t hurt THAT bad. After a nice neighbor gave me some water and unguent, I was able to relax enough to get my arm back in order, thus avoiding an ER trip and its too-high insurance co-pay.

Two days later, and my arm is stiff, swoll up to bejeezus and back, and I got a sexxxy bruise developing (pics to come), but much better than sunday night when I came very close to feeling sorry for myself (sitting on a pile of trash with your arm bent the wrong way can do that). I’m still in a little danger of whining, because now I have yet another bum joint to add to the list:

• ankles: often like to twist/sprain while walking
• right shoulder: been dislocated between 5-10 times
• knees: explode with pain if I get up from a kneeling position
• wrists: what do you think they’re like if I’ve been at a computer for half my life?
• (and introducing) left elbow!

I will be the first in line when they start offering full body transplants. They better start soon, while I can still get to the line!

Hey, if Will Ferrell said this in his next movie, would you wear it on a t-shirt?

I know H.T.M.L.
(Hyper Text Markup Language)

(whut?)

And then I got to thinking: what would be the absolute worst style of music ever? And it hit me: TWEEMO. Has this already been invented? I live under a rock. A “indie rock”, lol! Or a “classic rock”, double lol!

Man, I haven’t had allergies this bad since my childhood home, which was across the street from a dude who was turning his front yard into a prairie restoration project. On the plus side, I never had to mow the lawn. On the minus side, I STILL couldn’t breathe.

What I have these days combines the wonderful burning of a sinus infection with the meth-freakout desire to tear all the skin off my face to stop the itching.

At least I still have my looks:

WHUT

Wisdom.

Get it? It’s on account of their name looks like an abbreviation of my hometown? Maybe when this bubble bursts (dot-bomb 2.0, anyone?) and wipes these jokers out, the local Chambre O’Commerce can put the domain name to better use.

Anyway, they seem to have this weird idea that throwing in a completely unrelated thumbnail image in with each search result does something good. Example:

Maybe if that really was the cover of my CD, it’d sell better?

And then we pass the savings on to you.

(That title up there’s copyrighted, by the way.)

So I saw this jewelry ad, and at the bottom it said “jewelry enlarged to show detail” or something like that. Since this ad was on the side of a bus, and the rings pictured were three feet tall, I was actually a little relieved.

(And I can just see someone at some point chewing out a jeweler for not having the giant rings like on the bus ad. PS—watch out for that coffee, it’s hot!)

List of legendary creatures from Japan

The best part is how specific some of these creatures are. My favorites, in list form (of course):

• Kappa—a famous water monster with a water-filled head and a love of cucumbers
• Kurage-no-hinotama—a jellyfish which floats through the air as a fireball
• Makura-gaeshi—the pillow-moving spirit (this one seems to like to torment me nightly!)
• Tankororin—an unharvested persimmon which becomes a monster
• Tōfu-kozō—a spirit child carrying a block of tofu
• Uma-no-ashi—a horse’s leg which dangles from a tree and kicks passersby

I got all hopped up on Red Stripe and tropical drinks and too much sun until taking pictures of toy robots on the beach sounded like a great idea. Also, my li’l brudda got MARRIED!

(I was supposed to “blog this” yesterday, damn)

I saw this today while checking on my peeps:

Was it a lucky guess? There isn’t a place in the profile editor for entering your weight, is there?

BTW—I’m not overweight, I’m festively plump.