A world wide web of LIES

Here are a few of the ways I’ve described my myriad aches and ailments (most often a type of ache):

• it feels like I am growing a new skeleton on top of my old one
• it feels like my skeleton is fusing together
• stabbed all over: that is the feeling in my head/neck/back/guts
• my head feels like a cell that is about to divide
• my brain is being crushed by giant hands
• I feel like that guy in the Bible what got a tent stake through the head
• I feel like a good trepanning may help the situation
• it feels like someone is squeezing my spinal column
• OWWW, barometric pressure: I am sensitive to it!
• that xacto blade just fell through my finger (the eternal model building hazard)

#1 SUMMER JAM (KICK IT)

Hello, I am the last person on earth who still thinks the Apple speech generator is awesome. OutKast used it to start off Stankonia (O-U-T-K-A-S-T, with the “Bells” voice), but that was back in, like, 2000.

See also: Senor Mortgage (the robot uses “Fred” I think), Everybody to the Limit (the robot uses “Zarvox”).

I submit that my neighbors should not be allowed to cook food in their kitchens. It was particularly bad last night, when my cat Spike made “a smell” in the litter box, and I couldn’t tell where his “smell” ended and the neighbor’s dinner “smell” began. Basically it smelled like an overcooked cilantro/curry-infused chicken and poop hotdish*. And for dessert, a plate of… (see title)

*Midwestern for casserole