A world wide web of LIES

Sunday night I dislocated my left elbow. It’s like this (and like that):

1. The door to my apartment is on the parking lot side
2. Idiots are always parking too close to the door
3. making us 2nd floor fools have to squeeze through and then go off the side of the steps.

As I was taking down two bags of trash, I saw that I’d have to maneuver around an idiot parking job again, attempted to do this, and failed. My ankle slipped, I spun around, and fell off the side of the steps, flat on my ass. Luckily the trash bags broke my fall. Luckily, my right shoulder didn’t dislocate (which has happened a million times, sometimes completely unprovoked). UNluckily, my left arm went crazy. I thought I broke it at first, but it didn’t hurt THAT bad. After a nice neighbor gave me some water and unguent, I was able to relax enough to get my arm back in order, thus avoiding an ER trip and its too-high insurance co-pay.

Two days later, and my arm is stiff, swoll up to bejeezus and back, and I got a sexxxy bruise developing (pics to come), but much better than sunday night when I came very close to feeling sorry for myself (sitting on a pile of trash with your arm bent the wrong way can do that). I’m still in a little danger of whining, because now I have yet another bum joint to add to the list:

• ankles: often like to twist/sprain while walking
• right shoulder: been dislocated between 5-10 times
• knees: explode with pain if I get up from a kneeling position
• wrists: what do you think they’re like if I’ve been at a computer for half my life?
• (and introducing) left elbow!

I will be the first in line when they start offering full body transplants. They better start soon, while I can still get to the line!

Man, I haven’t had allergies this bad since my childhood home, which was across the street from a dude who was turning his front yard into a prairie restoration project. On the plus side, I never had to mow the lawn. On the minus side, I STILL couldn’t breathe.

What I have these days combines the wonderful burning of a sinus infection with the meth-freakout desire to tear all the skin off my face to stop the itching.

At least I still have my looks:

WHUT

Here are a few of the ways I’ve described my myriad aches and ailments (most often a type of ache):

• it feels like I am growing a new skeleton on top of my old one
• it feels like my skeleton is fusing together
• stabbed all over: that is the feeling in my head/neck/back/guts
• my head feels like a cell that is about to divide
• my brain is being crushed by giant hands
• I feel like that guy in the Bible what got a tent stake through the head
• I feel like a good trepanning may help the situation
• it feels like someone is squeezing my spinal column
• OWWW, barometric pressure: I am sensitive to it!
• that xacto blade just fell through my finger (the eternal model building hazard)