A world wide web of LIES

Dear Freezer of mine:

Thanks for keeping my ice cream all nice and warm last night. I really enjoyed that refreshing cup of fail soup.

Love,
Toothless, Gumless Joe

I had one of those—what do you call them—ideas last night. Say you’re with your sweetheart and you want to snack, but all the snack-sized packaging is optimized for one person. Enter Relation-chips™, the snack for two! OK, and there’s more: the bag could be heart shaped, with an opening on each side, so you could both reach for delicious snacks at the same time. (And maybe hold greasy hands in the bag? Sure!)

So I did some googling, and all that turned up was some techno CDs and a bunch of lovelorn people who can’t spell. This could be my gravy train…. if only people were totally stupid and utterly susceptible to cheesy gimmicks… IF ONLY!

Note to self: Consider offering gravy flavored Relation-chips™?

Another note, but to everyone: if you’re looking for some “random” food item to consider “funny” in an “ironic” way, then you suck and I hate you. Also, gravy is much a much “funnier” food item (and word) than bacon. Really!

So the other night my ol’ lady made delicious corn chowder. It’s definitely one of our favorite winter meals. This time, she decided—on a whim—to add chopped up peppers (green, red, yellow), after reading up on such practices in days of yore. Well, it was really good. We went buck wild eating it up! Here’s the recipe, as I know it:

1. Chop up an onion, and some red and green and yellow peppers (one of each of these)
2. Sautee that shit up in a pan
3. Throw some bacon into your soup pot and get things started
4. Chop up some potatoes, and throw them in that pot
5. Put various corns into the pot (1pkg frozen, 1 can creamed)
6. Milk goes in there too, I think?
7. Throw the stuff from step 1 in that pot
8. ???
9. Eating time!

This is actually pretty close to the recipe that A-anne uses in her Mind, since she doesn’t go in for all that measurement stuff. It works out pretty nicely, if you have the knack for it that she does. I tried to cook up some rice a few weeks ago, and while I didn’t ruin it (for once), it was still very stressful and I needed guidance. What I really need is a rice cooker, or to not have mega rice cravings, but we’re getting off topic.

Anyway, that’s it.

I keep forgetting to write this down, and then when I remember, I don’t have time. Anyway, this is one of my favorite pastimes—one that also grosses people the hell out. I like to think of unholy food combinations, like chocolate covered steak, or deep-fried sticks of butter, etc. First, some famous ones:

• “Pork Soda”: a Primus album. (I tried to make some once, with a ramen noodle flavor packet and a bottle of seltzer water. The reaction caused a geyser before I could put the cap on)
• “Oatmeal Pizza”: a Nirvana lyric
• Those crazy Thanksgiving flavors that Jones Soda does every year.
• “Owl-flavored”: an ancient item on a Letterman top 10 list (rejected Jelly Belly flavors)

I like to tell my “special lady” that they were all out of Co-cola, or root beer at the store, so instead I picked her up a barbecue sauce flavored cola.

And once, long ago, I was at a friend’s house, and we were making a pitcher of koolaid. There was a packet of orange and a packet of grape, so we decided to mix the two. The color was brown, and so that was the name we gave the mixture.

The most recent idea I had was a banana split, made of dinner foods:

• one polska kielbasa, cut lengthwise (this is the banana)
• three scoops of mashed potatoes
• various gravies
• a cherry on top

Also, an “asian-style” dessert burrito:

• red bean paste
• sweet “sticky rice”
• ???? (my brain must be blocking out some ingredients)
• wrapped in a spring roll wrapper (or you can use an eggroll wrapper and deep-fry it, for a dessert chimichanga!)

I submit that my neighbors should not be allowed to cook food in their kitchens. It was particularly bad last night, when my cat Spike made “a smell” in the litter box, and I couldn’t tell where his “smell” ended and the neighbor’s dinner “smell” began. Basically it smelled like an overcooked cilantro/curry-infused chicken and poop hotdish*. And for dessert, a plate of… (see title)

*Midwestern for casserole