A world wide web of LIES

Sometimes after I’ve had a really weird dream (like, almost every night), I’ll have another one shortly after that consists of me telling someone about the weird dream I just had. They are probably bored by this, but sometimes annoying one imaginary person is not enough. So I have to blog¹ a blog² on my blog³ about these dreams.

WHICH I WILL TELL YOU ABOUT, AFTER A WORD FROM OUR SPONSOR »

Today I finally got my money’s worth from the all-day Saturday pass ($2 for unlimited bus rides).

• 20 Red South: downtown to campus, for pizza and witnessing whimsical conveyances
  
• 100 Yellow South: campus to Savoy, for the viewing of latest “talkie” film involving masked adventurers
• 100 Yellow North: Savoy to Target (this is practically the entire length of this route, from the southernmost to northernmost and took about an hour)
• 20 Red South (again): back to downtown
• 50 Green East: downtown to easternmost edge of Urbana, ostensibly for more grocery shopping but mainly I was engrossed in my reading material and kind of aimless
• 50 Green West: back home (downtown)
• NEVER DOING SOMETHING LIKE THIS AGAIN

Actually, I had an idea once, when I was driving all up and down the Olympic Peninsula. I’d be out in the middle of nowhere, and there’d be a bus stop sign there. Western Washington has a whole mess of different local, county, and community bus systems, so I wanted to see how far I could get, starting in downtown Seattle. I could get pretty far into the Peninsula, for sure, and heading north and east I could probably get close to the Cascades.

COMPUTER (not a summer jam)

This was something I kept forgetting to do.

I had this awesome dream (for once), and was totally bummed-ass-out when I woke up from it. In it, I typed some random text into this Orator-like program (see this blogging), and it would sing the words back as an awesome lo-fi pop song. I tried it again, and this time it had musical backing and everything! It ruled. Then I woke up to a life where computers will not write my pop songs for me.

That night I also had a less awesome dream, wherein I heard a Sleater-Kinney song that was so awesome it made tears come to my eyes. Lots of them. This one’s actually more realistic. Something like that would happen on a regular basis if I were capable of displaying human emotions.

I am all the time having one of several recurring dreams. They get boring.

• I’m in the can, and someone opens the door, or the door won’t stay shut
• My guitar has broken in half while playing it
• Fighting with parents like a damn teenager
• Due to a clerical error I have to go back to highschool and take PE (at my age!)
• It’s the end of a semester in college and I suddenly realize I missed an entire class
• I missed the bus
• MONSTERS@_$*!@_%&!@_

And, rarest of all, and only if I’ve been REALLY good…

• kittens and bunnies doing hilarious things

It doesn’t really take a freudian to pinpoint the source of all these dreams, but the main thing is it’s damn ass hell of boring to only have a few different scenarios to pick from each night. It’s a writer’s strike up in my brain.

*This was from a trailer for the movie “Phantasm II” way back when I was a youngling. Then the scary thing (whatever it was) pops up and goes, “No, it’s not!” Well, my friend Na and I thought it would be even funnier to say, “No, it ain’t!” and then we’d laugh for about 15 minutes.

I keep forgetting to write this down, and then when I remember, I don’t have time. Anyway, this is one of my favorite pastimes—one that also grosses people the hell out. I like to think of unholy food combinations, like chocolate covered steak, or deep-fried sticks of butter, etc. First, some famous ones:

• “Pork Soda”: a Primus album. (I tried to make some once, with a ramen noodle flavor packet and a bottle of seltzer water. The reaction caused a geyser before I could put the cap on)
• “Oatmeal Pizza”: a Nirvana lyric
• Those crazy Thanksgiving flavors that Jones Soda does every year.
• “Owl-flavored”: an ancient item on a Letterman top 10 list (rejected Jelly Belly flavors)

I like to tell my “special lady” that they were all out of Co-cola, or root beer at the store, so instead I picked her up a barbecue sauce flavored cola.

And once, long ago, I was at a friend’s house, and we were making a pitcher of koolaid. There was a packet of orange and a packet of grape, so we decided to mix the two. The color was brown, and so that was the name we gave the mixture.

The most recent idea I had was a banana split, made of dinner foods:

• one polska kielbasa, cut lengthwise (this is the banana)
• three scoops of mashed potatoes
• various gravies
• a cherry on top

Also, an “asian-style” dessert burrito:

• red bean paste
• sweet “sticky rice”
• ???? (my brain must be blocking out some ingredients)
• wrapped in a spring roll wrapper (or you can use an eggroll wrapper and deep-fry it, for a dessert chimichanga!)

#1 SUMMER JAM (KICK IT)

Hello, I am the last person on earth who still thinks the Apple speech generator is awesome. OutKast used it to start off Stankonia (O-U-T-K-A-S-T, with the “Bells” voice), but that was back in, like, 2000.

See also: Senor Mortgage (the robot uses “Fred” I think), Everybody to the Limit (the robot uses “Zarvox”).